Although I enjoy building and designing website structures and templates, the vast majority of the “Get Rick Quick” and “I don’t care about facts” mindsets people convey incited me to think twice about entering this profession. The lack of knowledge in these circles is astounding. Some ignoramuses who don’t know the first thing about coding websites and designing databases think terms like dofollow and “Off Page Optimization” are legitimate. Other fools still believe Visible PageRank is an accurate measurement tool in anything. And some decide to defend these positions vigorously.

Unbelievable!

If I can take away one thing from posting on “forum debates” and elsewhere however, it’s that conversing with people that have next to no experience on website building and a lackluster understanding on simple concepts like HTML structure is an absolute time-waster.

It’s not about “agreeing with everything I say” or “using only my methods”, doing so for the sole purpose of agreeing with someone doesn’t have any logic to it. But when their views are challenged with hard evidence and facts, they choose to either make personal attacks, bury their heads in the sand and mumble “Blah, blah, blah”, or continue to follow the words of self-proclaimed experts and listen to their gospel like sheep. Seriously, it’s like debating with four year olds.

If you want the state of the industry summed up in a nutshell, heed this quote from Adam Senour (one of the few people online that I still hold a great deal of respect for):

One person starts lie that sounds good.
People believe lie that sounds good.
People promote lie that sounds good as ultimate solution.
If someone comes along and either questions lie or argues that lie is not ultimate solution, people must resort to aspect of lie that sounds most applicable to question.
If no applicable aspect of lie can be found, resort to randomly-selected training-binderesque aspect of lie that has nothing to do with actual problem in attempt to confuse.

In other words, lie, and when called out, create intentionally vague environment.

So the bottom-line here is basically, it’s pointless trying to educate people that refuse to listen or want to be helped. I’ll still continue my WordPress business I started a few months back, and I’ll be happy to answer genuine newbie questions on my forums. However when it comes to forum discussions or other forms of debates on Web Development tactics, SEO, or whatever else, I’m done trying to otherwise “help”. I’m tired of explaining things in a vacuum.

So basically, I’m going to explain here exactly what you need to do to create a simple PHP / MySQL backed DB-driven website that draws all of the data straight from the database.

An example URL of a page we’ll create could look like this:

http://www.site.com/index.php?id=1

1) Prepare the Front-End Design and Content

First, you’ll want to make sure that you have the basic design of the site coded. You may use whatever CSS styling you want to, it won’t make any difference on the backend. (One index.html file is fine, but be sure to rename it as index.php once it goes online.) Also all the information for our website needs to be properly entered into the database. Using a tool such as phpmyadmin will work great to enter the data, however you can use SQL if you wish. For the purpose of keeping this tutorial quick, I’m going to assume that you already know how to do this.

To keep things extremely simple, we’ll only need to create one table, I decided to name mine “page”. Also include a minimum of two fields (I’m using three) and two pages to understand what’s going on. Below is an example of a DB table that you could use:

You can use whatever data you wish, however most sites have these pages and that’s what I have decided to use. Also be sure to set the ID to the primary key, so it’ll automatically update later when you decide to add more webpages.

2) Connect to the DB and Format the Website Structure

Alright, next step. After we get all that out of the way, we now need to interact with our database table we just created, so we need to use PHP to configure a connection. You can include this in a few different ways, what I did was create a config.php file and wrote a require_once function to include the data from the PHP file onto my main index.php page.

There’s plenty of other sites that go into more depth on this, but I’ll give you an example here. For the config.php file:

<?php
$username="DB_USERNAME";
$password="DB_PASSWORD";
$database="DB_NAME";
$url="localhost";

$link = mysql_connect($url,$username,$password);

mysql_select_db($database) or die("Unable to select database");

mysql_close();

?>

And as for the index.php page, I know this probably could have been more securely coded (aka placing the DB retrieval info before the DOCTYPE), but for simplicity’s sake, here’s an example file:

<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN"
"http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd">

<html>

    <head>

        <?php require_once ("config.php"); ?>

        <?php require_once ("functions.php"); ?>

    <title>

    </title>

    <link rel="stylesheet" type="text/css" href="style.css" />

    </head>

    <body>

        <?php require_once ("header.php"); ?>

        <?php require_once ("content.php"); ?>

        <?php require_once ("footer.php"); ?>

    </body>

</html>

Note this also includes other files, like the header, function, and footer documents, but they aren’t required to have, they’re just apart of the design structure.

3) Write the PHP Script

Now all we need to do is get the database to actually read the different DB rows as separate webpages. To do this we will be using the PHP superglobal associative array $_GET, and a mysql_fetch function. If you caught the additional function in the above index.php file, we also included a file called content.php. This is where the script will be stored. First, we need to write some PHP variables:

$id = $_GET['id'];

$query = "SELECT * FROM Page WHERE id='$id'";

$results = mysql_query($query, $link) or die(mysql_error());

If you noticed, we assigned the $id variable to the PHP superglobal $_GET, where we want it to “get” the ID from each column and return all the information in that row based upon it’s ID, and what we tell it to later, which you can tell by the SQL query I wrote for the $query variable. The $results variable basically just combines everything we want it to do and kill it in case there’s an error, (You can see what we’re getting from the $link variable in the config.php file).

The $_GET superglobal is also useful for passing variables onto the end of a URL string. Let me try to explain. Since the script is asking for the ID from the page table we created earlier, we can now apprehend a result to the end of the URL via a question mark (?). For example, say we want to fetch the data contained in the first row, we can call upon the ID to fetch us everything we ask for (which is what we’re going to write next). I know, it sounds confusing, but with more practice, you’ll eventually get the hang of it.

Now to actually display that data on the webpage, we need to write a while loop using a mysql_fetch_array PHP function:

while($row = mysql_fetch_array($results))

    {

    echo "<div id='title'>" . $row['title'] . "</div> <div id='content'>" . $row['content'];

    echo "</div><br />";

    }

?>

The while loop basically tells us that “while” we are fetching the DB row info, here’s what we’re doing with it. In this instance, just echoing the data onto the page. Since the first thing we are asking for is the data contained within the title column, the PHP will display this for us via the $row variable, because it “fetches” this specific instance of the array (whatever we ask for when we type the URL address in).

You could also base the URL off of other portions of the DB table if you wanted to, like “title” for example. You’d just have to get the title data via the $_GET superglobal and ask for it when you assign the value to an array via a variable (aka $title = $_GET['title'];) along with altering the other variables appropriately. You can name your variables whatever you wish, I just used $title for convenience.

In addition to the PHP, I’ve also echoed some div elements which help style the content appropriately through the stylesheet (they’re not a portion of the tutorial, but you can use whatever CSS properties you desire to apply).

Now after understanding the technical aspects behind the PHP code, we just need to put it all together. Save the following code as content.php:

<?php

$id = $_GET['id'];

$query = "SELECT * FROM Entry_Page WHERE id='$id'";

$results = mysql_query($query, $link) or die(mysql_error());

while($row = mysql_fetch_array($results))

    {

    echo "<div id='title'>" . $row['title'] . "</div> <div id='content'>" . $row['content'];

    echo "</div><br />";

    }

?>

4) Place the Finishing Touches on the Site

And now upload everything to the server, all in the same folder: index.php, config.php, and content.php (also header.php, footer.php, and style.css if you bothered to edit / create them yourself, so the site doesn’t look like crap).

Now you can access the different pages you created by calling upon the MySQL database via the various URL variables, in essence “creating the webpages based upon whatever information is stored within the field’s (ID’s) row”.

And there you have it, your very first Database-Driven Website!

The site consists of five different puzzles. Finishing each will allow you to move onto the next one. The rules are fairly simple in that respect.

You do not need to have an understanding of HTML, Javascript, or any other coding language to complete the quiz, although they can certainly help.

Take the Great Webmaster Puzzle Challenge Today!

Also, tell me how it went for you, and what you liked and didn’t like about the test:

• Were there enough challenges?
• Any advantages or disadvantages you could spot?
• Was it simply too easy?

Comment below and tell me about your experience with this new concept I came up with over the past week.

Ajax = The #1 language of plumbers worldwide.

ASP = Stands for Arachnid Spider Presence. It’s the language used by electronic spider crawlers to weave the web together.

ASP.NET = Same as ASP, except the spiders are armed with nets they shoot out of their rear to assist with the weaving.

BASIC = Boot Camp for programmers, this is where they go to learn the ‘basics’.

C = Your language for average programmers, given they couldn’t earn a grade above C in school.

C++ = A really difficult and more confusing version of the C programming language.

C# = The musical implementation of C.

ColdFusion = The programming language of Nuclear Scientists and Astrophysicists, who often conduct and compile the code in deep space.

CSS = Short for Corrupt Schutzstaffel. Extensively used by Web Nazis to force old school webmasters to design within their standards. CSS has it’s roots in Germany, where Hitler used this language to plan the holocaust before World War II.

Flash = What female programmers do.

HTML = Abbreviated form of How-To-Make-a-Language. It’ll present tutorials and examples needed ro understand web programming and site creation.

Java = This language requires you to not only become addicted to coffee, but you must also learn how to code with it.

Javascript = Hollywood’s version of Java. Don’t forget that after you finish writing your script, you must submit it to every web director(y) you can find for approval.

MySQL = Stands for My-Station’s-Quick-Learner. My Network TV is a prime example of this language in action. See PHP for details.

Perl = A shortened version of pearl, commonly used by upper-class people to show off their wealth.

PHP = Short for Programming-with-a-Highdef-Priority. Geeks often use this method to to multi-task (ala setting their TiVOs and watching Television) when writing their code. Often used in conjunction with a station’s quick learner for creating efficient television programming schedules.

Python = The programming language of snakes. Learn it if you have a fondness for scales and slithering.

Ruby = The sister language of Perl.

Visual Basic = Just a more graphic and violent version of basic, see basic above.

XHTML = HTML on Steroids.

XML = An erotic markup language, basically used to create porn sites.

There you go, every programming language you need to know or learn, hopefully this list will help you choose a new place to begin as much as it did for me.

Don’t follow that! dofollow this instead.

http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/dofollow

Just because one Search Engine implements a new value for the relationship attribute of anchor elements doesn’t mean you have to refer to the norm as something else based of the new value.

.

But hey, as long as we’re inventing new HTML Attribute Values and making up buzzwords, I have a few more I’d like to add to the list:

Badfollow = an OBL’s value telling Google that the page it’s linking to is awful and absolutely SUCKS!

Example = <a href=”http://forums.digitalpoint.com/” rel=”badfollow”>Digital Point Forums</a>

NoText = This is a brand new HTML style Attribute Value added to various text elements (ie: <p>, <h1>, etc.) you use to tell the browser you don’t want the text to be displayed anywhere in any fashion. It will look something like this:

<p style=”notext”>This is some Text.</p>

Which will output this:

.

Perfect to use for Text you don’t want to show anyone who visits the Page! Even Search Engines will ignore this Element now!

Superlink = a new link descriptor that takes you to another web page and then brings you back to the original page almost instantaneously. It’ll be like you never left the first page to begin with!

Just add “super” to the target attribute, like so:

<a href=”http://www.lightningshock.com” target=”super”>Greatest Website Ever</a>

.

These new Values are going to be a MUST for any SEO, new or experienced, or any webmaster for that matter, who wishes to code and market their site properly!

I get the Fucking Red Ring of Death!!! Again!

The console wasn’t moving, it wasn’t overheating, and the power supply box (nor the system itself) wasn’t even on the ground. It came out of nowhere.

For the few years I’ve owned a 360, I’ve gotten this error Three Damn Times! And each time it had to be repackaged and sent back to Microsoft for a few hundred dollars. As if those greedy bastards didn’t make enough money off of just hardware and software sales alone, they had the gull to charge customers for repairs. Sure they may have offered an extended warranty for now, but then they retracted it, assholes.

Every time I see those smarmy lights flashing at me, I just want to throw the system into the jaw of a Microsoft Executive. And this time is no different.

And if that wasn’t enough, I can’t even play computer games properly on my computer anymore.

Take for example, “Star Wars: Empire at War”. The game is already a few years old and I was looking forward to trying it out for awhile. I get through the copy’s installation process and am just about to launch the game, only to find out my computer doesn’t meet the correct processing requirements.

My computer has an Intel Celeron 2.7 Ghz CPU. SW: EaW requires at least a 1.0 Ghz CPU from either an Intel Pentium III or an AMD Athlon processor. Are you kidding me? The damn thing only runs on TWO Specific Processor-types? What complete bullshit!

Really? How can one of the largest computer companies in the world manufacture such shitty hardware? Or how can certain games “require specific processors”? I’m seriously considering just boycotting the industry altogether. (At least until corporations pull their heads out of their collective greedy asses and start thinking about the consumer for once.)

Bah! There’s nothing that can be done.

Geographical Distinctions

Antarctica as a continent may not exist, it is really a 500 foot ice wall surrounding the Earth. According to the society, the true shape of the earth is that of a discus, and resembles the features as displayed on the United Nations Flag.

Religious Connections

A few Flat Earth believers are very religious and interpret the Bible literally. I don’t think any further citation is necessary.

The Illusion of “Gravity”

Gravity as we know it does not really exist. Rather instead, the Flat Earth is accelerating at a constant speed upwards at 9.8 m/s^2.

Just think, how does all that ocean water stay put, “gravitating” towards a bodily center”?

Other Evidence Pointers

• The reason why we can’t see to the end of the earth is that the atmosphere is not perfectly transparent, and after a certain distance objects simply aren’t visible to our eyes
• Space Photos of the Earth are Faked
• NASA is corrupt
• The sun and moon are both about 32 miles in diameter and approximately 3000 miles above us
• The belief that the earth is flat rests solely on the visible observations of the Earth
• The Earth is not classified as a “Planet” in the classical sense

Still not convinced?

Join in on the discussion over at the forums and argue your counter points!

Let me provide you with just a few examples of why lies offer some of the absolute BEST options available:

Gets You out of Trouble

Have you done something bad? Something you shouldn’t have? Even committing a crime such as shoplifting or harassment? Just tell the authorities that you didn’t do it. Bada-bing, bada-boom, you’re out of trouble, scott-free. Or how about when you must stand in front of the judge? Lying under oath can provide some ripe opportunities, and some hefty consequences, so beware. Sooner or later, everyone who knows you will be so tangled up in the lies around your web of deceit, nobody will know what to believe anymore.

This is also one of the reasons you should never fall in love. You should find it nearly impossible to catch a partner or spouse in the act of cheating. Humans are preprogrammed for this, it’s in their nature. How anyone could put their trust and faith in a life partner is astounding. You’d be better off playing the game and not take any chances of committing to a relationship, given the probability that infidelity will occur.

Make Money

Just how many ways are there to make money off of false information? Tons. For example, telling someone you bought a computer for $5,000 when it’s real value is at $3,000 boldly increases your profit margin (Unless of course that customer you’re dealing with isn’t an idiot and actually knows a thing or two about computers).

On top of that, some people even build professions out of lies (Lawyers, Politicians, Media Personalities, and Salesmen immediately come to mind). Money makes the world go round, so why not reward yourself with a cut of profits? Earning cash can be as easy as you allow it to be, it’s just your morals that are the obstacle in the way, find a balancing point between the two. But hey, I’m not telling you anything you don’t already know.

How about an attempt at story fabrication? Not only do you get a chance to spread vast amounts of misinformation one way or another, people may actually spark an interest in your words and present you with a sweet payoff for your storytelling capabilities.

Save People from Pain

How many people want to be hurt from hearing the Cold, Hard Truth? Not many, I would suspect. How many women do you know enjoy being called “fat” from their husbands? Plus some people may have bad taste in style or fashion, or perhaps a lack of brain power, where their comprehension, mathematical skills, etc. are very low, and informing them of these truthful traits will deeply hurt their feelings.

Or how about imagining if there was a fire and the children inside would not leave the flaming building without some sort of ulterior incentive, such as candy or toys waiting for them on the front lawn? It has been reported that 3,245 people died in the United States due to a fire. Most of that high number have to be kids, because children are stupid. Seriously, what kind of idiot dies in a fire moving at a grand speed of 2 MPH?

Manipulation

Perhaps the greatest benefit from lying comes from deceiving people you may be close to for your own personal gains through manipulation. This can offer many rewards.

Since falsehoods are being discussed, verbal manipulation is most relevant. Convincing others to follow your leadership through persuasion based on an untruth can offer superb benefits, not to mention a nice ego boost along with it. Between white lies and full-blown distorted facts, manipulation is present in both scenarios, as long as you are smart enough to gain an advantage through them. Once you have control of all the information, power is right behind you and very easy to obtain. Remember the phrase “Knowledge is Power”.

Manipulation can be found in just about every type of event that takes place, whether good or evil. Some manipulate the cells in their body via a medicine tabulate to help them feel healthier. Others may manipulate an enemy by pouring poison into their drink and sharing with them it’s “source”, which came from an exotic island, whereas in reality it came from beneath the kitchen sink.

Increases your Willpower and Strength

Perhaps look at deception as one giant game, an art form, if you will. Oftentimes deception is required to further an agenda, which requires planning and strategical tactics, thus boosting your intelligence.

Through countless acts of misleading and betrayal, along with your own cunning, you can achieve great success. Is it at all possible to name one successful person who hasn’t told a lie to reach the top? Just remember though, make sure you don’t get caught, and most importantly, you didn’t hear any of these tips from me!

So what are you waiting for? Get out there and start lying to everyone you know today!

Let me start by saying that I’m right handed, but I play all First Person Shooters (FPS) and adventure games left-handedly. I have been using southpaw control configuration ever since Rare released Goldeneye 007 for the Nintendo 64 (It was actually the game that got me interested in FPS’s).

After reading rave reviews for Mass Effect, and the thought of actually getting to fly a spaceship throughout the galaxy in a non-linear story fashion was a terrific concept. I thought I was going to have loads of fun, then I started my search through the game menus to adjust the settings to my liking, and guess what? That’s right, only four options pertaining to gameplay.

FOUR options? THAT’S IT?!?! What a joke. You’d think in the year 2008 with all the advanced gaming technology, computer programming capabilities, graphic designs, and hard drive space, that the developers could take an hour or two and assign some user-selectable control features; but nooooooo, you can’t even prioritize what is arguably the most important factor during gameplay, you know, controlling your character.

The Bigger Picture

These companies don’t take their customers very seriously. Take for example tech support. You spend days searching through and posting on company forums and FAQs, spend an hour on the phone only to be put on hold for another hour so that the tech rep can tell you he doesn’t have an answer for you, and you’ve just realized you’ve pissed away a week searching for an answer to which would result in pissing away even more time (having fun) playing the game.

Accountability?

I think it’s about time for arrogant game developers to stop discriminating against players while simultaneously getting their heads out of their asses to spend a few minutes programming the features in. Don’t they realize that there’s a whole demographic of other gamers that use alternative control schemes for just about every genre?

I was able to muster through Knights of the Old Republic with the default controls, barely. (Though this is only because it didn’t require quick reflexes and precision to aim and shoot and such.) Not offering personalized customization is a bad move BioWare, a BAD MOVE for everyone.

All I’m asking for here is a downloadable patch or something to accommodate control schemes that offer players the most comfortable experience possible. How can I possibly enjoy a game if it controls like shit?

Don’t you game developers realize there is a potential win-win situation for both of us here? Not only will there be:

• Happy Customers who can play a game as comfortably as possible,
• But you’ll also get more business and increased revenue in game sales

This doesn’t go for just BioWare though, there are other games I’ve played that have been ruined by crappy controls, like Splinter Cell and Bioshock for example. To be fair though, it isn’t just the game developers who are at fault, the publishers more than likely have a hand in this as well. With the constant schedule deadlines, financial expectations, and all the developmental timelines they set, it’s no wonder great games don’t come along very often.

At least Some Understand

How hard would it be to program a few custom control schemes into the game? Not very, I imagine. This is one of the features I LOVE about Quake 4 (and Doom 3), they offer a completely customizable control system. Any button can be used for reloading or shooting, hell I could even Left Trigger to Jump if I wanted to.

I can say the same thing about the Halo franchise (my favorite shooter genre of all time at the moment). While every button may not be programmed for any feature the player wishes, Bungie still included a plethora of options for both thumbstick AND button layouts. Let me tell you, if it didn’t I sure as hell wouldn’t have played Halo’s two sequels, and I doubt the series would have anywhere near the magnitude it currently holds without these specific control features.

Allow me to give a big thanks to ID software for RECOGNIZING that there are southpaw (and legacy) players out there, and it makes sense to offer these choices because over 10% of the population are left-handed by default, not to mention the rest of us who chose to learn to play FPS’s with southpaw layouts.

Microsoft did take a step in the right direction though, by adding the universal game control feature to the Xbox 360 dashboard. However this can be easily overridden by the game’s programming, which means most, if not all, game developers can ignore it if they wish. (Thank God The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion was affected by this feature, or else that game would have been shipped back to the stores too; and guess what, playing the game with southpaw controls made it that much more ENJOYABLE.)

At least Southpaw Legacy (formerly altcntrlgmr.com) gets the situation, and was a great resource of information available for use to find out which games support different controls and which don’t. Should we follow in Southpaw Legacy’s footsteps, and hold game developers and publishers to industry quality standards? I say yes.

I was thinking about purchasing a rewired game controller from Llama due to the fact I find it nearly impossible to play with the default controls. And I sure as hell knew I couldn’t solder the damn thing myself using their hardware guide, even if I tried. Besides this would violate the 360 controller’s warranty, if something were to go wrong (which definitely would in this situation, given my hot-wiring skills). But unfortunately they have been discontinued due to their high demand (gee, I wonder why?). However even if they were available, I probably wouldn’t purchase one anyway, given the high price tag these things had.

Just do the fact that a company like Llama exists should tell the video game industry something (Hint: It has to do with the horrible gamers have to choose from). Maybe if the devs put a little more thought into the economics of the industry, and just how many gamers are left behind in the dust, they wouldn’t have such a bad reputation (from my point of view, that is).

Until companies like BioWare start taking their customers more seriously, I won’t be purchasing any future video game titles from them. It’s too bad too, you could’ve earned another $50 bucks from me purchasing your game, unfortunately you chose to ignore people that have different playing styles.

Thanks for nothing, Game Developers.

(UPDATE = 6/19/2009)
OK, I really need to update this post. Despite the initially clumsy controls, I still desperately wanted to play the game, so I spent a few weeks honing my skills with the game.

I learned that Mass Effect’s layout is a lot like Splinter Cell’s control scheme in that respect, which I already WAS familiar with.

I’m already on my third playthrough, and overall it’s a damn fine game. If BioWare would just give more freedom through control options, coupled with the vastly intriguing storytelling and large, quantitative replay value, they would have a Gaming Masterpiece.

]]> http://www.lightningshock.com/2008/05/26/what-the-hell-no-southpaw-controls/feed/ 12 http://www.lightningshock.com/2008/04/25/how-to-become-popular-in-high-school/ http://www.lightningshock.com/2008/04/25/how-to-become-popular-in-high-school/#comments Sat, 26 Apr 2008 03:13:23 +0000 James Lewitzke http://www.lightningshock.com/?p=56 High School is probably a living hell for some (if not most) students. Here is my definitive guide to becoming the most popular person on campus.

Let me start off by saying however, I was NOT apart of the “popular crowd”. However, I wasn’t a part of the “geek crowd” either, as a matter of fact, I wasn’t apart of ANY crowd, I was just ME. I never cared to become, or even attempted at reaching a level of popularity at that time in my life, I had the wisdom and the foresight to realize that no matter how popular one may become, it doesn’t mean squat in the real world.

Buuuuuut…………..

The social status is certainly achievable, and with a little manipulation, it is definitely possible to reach this position yourself. This is how I would have done it if I actually *did* care about becoming popular.

While it may be true that trends and fads change over time, and every high school throughout the world is different (I’ll be the first here to admit that I don’t know what the international school levels are, so I’m speaking from the American perspective.), the foundations of the plan undoubtedly remains the same.

First Step: Know the Playing Fields and Understand the Collective Groups of Peers

This is crucial, without knowledge of your peers and your high school settings, you’ll get nowhere. The guide I’m writing here won’t turn you into a popular student overnight, it will take proper planning and a few weeks (or months, depending on your current status) of scoping the and analyzing your potential strategies.

The first investigation involves the various groups available. Recognize your targets and make sure no one suspects your reconnaissance work:

1. The Jocks = Athletic, always discussing last night’s game with their fellow teammates and coaches, are often intimidating
2. The Social Butterflies = Always talking, making friends with just about anyone, and attend every social event the school offers
3. The Intelligent Ones (Non-Nerds) = Eloquent within their academic circle, yet smart enough not to associate themselves with the outcasts of the system
4. Other = Any other group that may be known either specifically to your school region or may have been ‘missing’ from this list

Step Two: Choose A Group and Plan

After an adequate amount of time has passed, the time comes where you have to choose a group and formulate a covert strategy.

TIP: Be sure you Pick a Group You Can Be Good At! You know you don’t belong in the athletic group if you only weigh 85 pounds and can’t even complete the mile run.

Some ideas to keep in mind as you develop your plan include:

• Start off small. You don’t want to rush into crazy events such as mooning everyone at the next pep rally or something similar. You’ll give your position away too early.
• Don’t hold back. This roller coaster ride of a plan will involve making friendships, destroying hearts, betrayal, and even subtle manipulation of events. The inevitability of the lack of emotional distraught means it would be wise to train yourself both physically and psychologically, and not grow too attached to any specific person or peer group.
• Be sure to cover all your bases. Missions rarely go according to the written game plan, so it is of the utmost importance that you have every possible angle covered, the shifting of original steps on the spot, and the calculation of every precise point in your overall strategy as you plan to dominate the battlefield of High School.

Next Step: When you feel Ready and Confident Enough, Craft and Execute your Plan

After careful timing and consideration, the time comes to set your ultimate goal in motion.

Remember, most teenagers are easy to manipulate, not the kids themselves exactly, but ranking highly among the social hierarchy of the school shouldn’t be too difficult of a task. Just about every school has one, and be aware that you are going to have rivals.

Don’t backstab your competitors immediately, it is important to have allies and improvising tactical advances in the Art of War is a necessity. You will get nowhere in this field of combat if you decide to go at it entirely alone.

The Fourth Step: Earn some Thought Out and / or Crazy “Popularity Points”

Popularity Points (PP) can be useful to raise your awareness of your current status during the school year. While these spcific numbers aren’t set in stone, they don’t apply everywhere, as specific groups require different point values. So use these approximate numbers to your advantage, where 0 PP means you’re the biggest loser on campus, and 100 PP means you’re Ruler of the High School:

• 2 PP = Earn an after-school detention, Attend the Pep Rally, Crack a witty joke in front of a crowd (+1 if during a class)
• 5 PP = Get a date and / or enter a relationship ( +5 if they’re at least somewhat popular), Start a fight, Score the winning point(s) at the end of the game in your respective sport
• 10 PP = Receive straight A’s for a whole year, Purchase and show off an automobile, Host a party at your home (-5 if your parents catch you)
• 25 PP = Win a prestigious title such as Homecoming King (or Queen), Win a Sports Championship, Sleep with a teacher
• -5 PP = Act like a pussy and back away from a challenge, break down in the middle of the hall, join the chess team or computer club

If you suck at mathematics, don’t use the above system I laid out, instead follow the guidelines, but go with your gut (or better yet, don’t even attempt to become popular, you can’t get to the top without knowing a little math).

It is also important to NOT repeat each point-earner. Spread out where you decide to earn points. Some people might find it a tad suspicious if you enter twenty relationships throughout the year, they’ll perceive you as a slut.

And the Final Step: Remain at the top until you no longer wish to

(If you haven’t obtained at least 100 PP in one year, go back to step four and try again.)

Now you’ve done it, you’ve climbed to the top the social mountain, congratulations!

Is it everything you’ve expected it to be? Are you truly happy with your current status as Champion of your High School?

Perhaps it becomes boring at the top, you may feel lonely up there, or there’s just too much attention for you to handle; whatever the reason is, bow out with grace. It is very easy to lose your status on top of the ladder, and difficult to regain that special status.

Whether you are happy at the top or not, as one final piece of advice, remember just how much this means to yourself and your friends (and just how much the rest of the world actually cares about it).