Ajax = The #1 language of plumbers worldwide.

ASP = Stands for Arachnid Spider Presence. It’s the language used by electronic spider crawlers to weave the web together.

ASP.NET = Same as ASP, except the spiders are armed with nets they shoot out of their rear to assist with the weaving.

BASIC = Boot Camp for programmers, this is where they go to learn the ‘basics’.

C = Your language for average programmers, given they couldn’t earn a grade above C in school.

C++ = A really difficult and more confusing version of the C programming language.

C# = The musical implementation of C.

ColdFusion = The programming language of Nuclear Scientists and Astrophysicists, who often conduct and compile the code in deep space.

CSS = Short for Corrupt Schutzstaffel. Extensively used by Web Nazis to force old school webmasters to design within their standards. CSS has it’s roots in Germany, where Hitler used this language to plan the holocaust before World War II.

Flash = What female programmers do.

HTML = Abbreviated form of How-To-Make-a-Language. It’ll present tutorials and examples needed ro understand web programming and site creation.

Java = This language requires you to not only become addicted to coffee, but you must also learn how to code with it.

Javascript = Hollywood’s version of Java. Don’t forget that after you finish writing your script, you must submit it to every web director(y) you can find for approval.

MySQL = Stands for My-Station’s-Quick-Learner. My Network TV is a prime example of this language in action. See PHP for details.

Perl = A shortened version of pearl, commonly used by upper-class people to show off their wealth.

PHP = Short for Programming-with-a-Highdef-Priority. Geeks often use this method to to multi-task (ala setting their TiVOs and watching Television) when writing their code. Often used in conjunction with a station’s quick learner for creating efficient television programming schedules.

Python = The programming language of snakes. Learn it if you have a fondness for scales and slithering.

Ruby = The sister language of Perl.

Visual Basic = Just a more graphic and violent version of basic, see basic above.

XHTML = HTML on Steroids.

XML = An erotic markup language, basically used to create porn sites.

There you go, every programming language you need to know or learn, hopefully this list will help you choose a new place to begin as much as it did for me.

Don’t follow that! dofollow this instead.

http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/dofollow

Just because one Search Engine implements a new value for the relationship attribute of anchor elements doesn’t mean you have to refer to the norm as something else based of the new value.

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But hey, as long as we’re inventing new HTML Attribute Values and making up buzzwords, I have a few more I’d like to add to the list:

Badfollow = an OBL’s value telling Google that the page it’s linking to is awful and absolutely SUCKS!

Example = <a href=”http://forums.digitalpoint.com/” rel=”badfollow”>Digital Point Forums</a>

NoText = This is a brand new HTML style Attribute Value added to various text elements (ie: <p>, <h1>, etc.) you use to tell the browser you don’t want the text to be displayed anywhere in any fashion. It will look something like this:

<p style=”notext”>This is some Text.</p>

Which will output this:

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Perfect to use for Text you don’t want to show anyone who visits the Page! Even Search Engines will ignore this Element now!

Superlink = a new link descriptor that takes you to another web page and then brings you back to the original page almost instantaneously. It’ll be like you never left the first page to begin with!

Just add “super” to the target attribute, like so:

<a href=”http://www.lightningshock.com” target=”super”>Greatest Website Ever</a>

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These new Values are going to be a MUST for any SEO, new or experienced, or any webmaster for that matter, who wishes to code and market their site properly!

Geographical Distinctions

Antarctica as a continent may not exist, it is really a 500 foot ice wall surrounding the Earth. According to the society, the true shape of the earth is that of a discus, and resembles the features as displayed on the United Nations Flag.

Religious Connections

A few Flat Earth believers are very religious and interpret the Bible literally. I don’t think any further citation is necessary.

The Illusion of “Gravity”

Gravity as we know it does not really exist. Rather instead, the Flat Earth is accelerating at a constant speed upwards at 9.8 m/s^2.

Just think, how does all that ocean water stay put, “gravitating” towards a bodily center”?

Other Evidence Pointers

• The reason why we can’t see to the end of the earth is that the atmosphere is not perfectly transparent, and after a certain distance objects simply aren’t visible to our eyes
• Space Photos of the Earth are Faked
• NASA is corrupt
• The sun and moon are both about 32 miles in diameter and approximately 3000 miles above us
• The belief that the earth is flat rests solely on the visible observations of the Earth
• The Earth is not classified as a “Planet” in the classical sense

Still not convinced?

Join in on the discussion over at the forums and argue your counter points!

Let me provide you with just a few examples of why lies offer some of the absolute BEST options available:

Gets You out of Trouble

Have you done something bad? Something you shouldn’t have? Even committing a crime such as shoplifting or harassment? Just tell the authorities that you didn’t do it. Bada-bing, bada-boom, you’re out of trouble, scott-free. Or how about when you must stand in front of the judge? Lying under oath can provide some ripe opportunities, and some hefty consequences, so beware. Sooner or later, everyone who knows you will be so tangled up in the lies around your web of deceit, nobody will know what to believe anymore.

This is also one of the reasons you should never fall in love. You should find it nearly impossible to catch a partner or spouse in the act of cheating. Humans are preprogrammed for this, it’s in their nature. How anyone could put their trust and faith in a life partner is astounding. You’d be better off playing the game and not take any chances of committing to a relationship, given the probability that infidelity will occur.

Make Money

Just how many ways are there to make money off of false information? Tons. For example, telling someone you bought a computer for $5,000 when it’s real value is at $3,000 boldly increases your profit margin (Unless of course that customer you’re dealing with isn’t an idiot and actually knows a thing or two about computers).

On top of that, some people even build professions out of lies (Lawyers, Politicians, Media Personalities, and Salesmen immediately come to mind). Money makes the world go round, so why not reward yourself with a cut of profits? Earning cash can be as easy as you allow it to be, it’s just your morals that are the obstacle in the way, find a balancing point between the two. But hey, I’m not telling you anything you don’t already know.

How about an attempt at story fabrication? Not only do you get a chance to spread vast amounts of misinformation one way or another, people may actually spark an interest in your words and present you with a sweet payoff for your storytelling capabilities.

Save People from Pain

How many people want to be hurt from hearing the Cold, Hard Truth? Not many, I would suspect. How many women do you know enjoy being called “fat” from their husbands? Plus some people may have bad taste in style or fashion, or perhaps a lack of brain power, where their comprehension, mathematical skills, etc. are very low, and informing them of these truthful traits will deeply hurt their feelings.

Or how about imagining if there was a fire and the children inside would not leave the flaming building without some sort of ulterior incentive, such as candy or toys waiting for them on the front lawn? It has been reported that 3,245 people died in the United States due to a fire. Most of that high number have to be kids, because children are stupid. Seriously, what kind of idiot dies in a fire moving at a grand speed of 2 MPH?

Manipulation

Perhaps the greatest benefit from lying comes from deceiving people you may be close to for your own personal gains through manipulation. This can offer many rewards.

Since falsehoods are being discussed, verbal manipulation is most relevant. Convincing others to follow your leadership through persuasion based on an untruth can offer superb benefits, not to mention a nice ego boost along with it. Between white lies and full-blown distorted facts, manipulation is present in both scenarios, as long as you are smart enough to gain an advantage through them. Once you have control of all the information, power is right behind you and very easy to obtain. Remember the phrase “Knowledge is Power”.

Manipulation can be found in just about every type of event that takes place, whether good or evil. Some manipulate the cells in their body via a medicine tabulate to help them feel healthier. Others may manipulate an enemy by pouring poison into their drink and sharing with them it’s “source”, which came from an exotic island, whereas in reality it came from beneath the kitchen sink.

Increases your Willpower and Strength

Perhaps look at deception as one giant game, an art form, if you will. Oftentimes deception is required to further an agenda, which requires planning and strategical tactics, thus boosting your intelligence.

Through countless acts of misleading and betrayal, along with your own cunning, you can achieve great success. Is it at all possible to name one successful person who hasn’t told a lie to reach the top? Just remember though, make sure you don’t get caught, and most importantly, you didn’t hear any of these tips from me!

So what are you waiting for? Get out there and start lying to everyone you know today!

OK, they didn’t “really” offer me that much money for my blog, in fact they haven’t even made me an offer on my website.

I figured I had to make my first April Fools Blog Post a good one

I do wonder what Google’s April Fools Day jokes will be about this year. They’ve had some pretty good ones in the past, like GoogleGulp and PigeonRank. Hopefully, this year they’ll have a classic.

Anyways, Happy April Fools Day everyone

Now, I know that spam is cold to begin with, but if we were to place it in a really cold place, how long would it survive for?

I think that if we somehow freeze the spammers capabilities of creating spam itself, then we could put an end to it. I realize this is a huge undertaking, and am not exactly sure what would be required do perform such a daunting task.

I leave those thoughts up to you

First, download some software

For example, either A Lead Soft or Search Maker Pro will do fine for the purpose of this exercise. Follow the instructions on these applications to get your script to function properly, these will vary depending on the software you chose to use.

Next, Install your Script onto a Domain, Web Server, etc.

Once your Search Engine has been created, it’s time to market it and get some sites indexed. Start learning some tips by reading my “How to Break Free….” Post.

I’d recommend making your search engine unique. For example, you could create a Music Search Engine, which only indexes pages that have to do with bands, albums, etc. You could even include an audio search as it’s primary focus on organizing mp3s and the like, if you wish.

And Finally, adjust the Search Algorithm to your liking

Now that you have it running and some sites are now indexed, it’s time to adjust just what ranks where. You can choose as many factors as you want, like the age of the web page, how many links are pointing to it, etc.

And at long Last, you can finally make a legitimate claim at considering to be an SEO expert, as you have full authority as to what page ranks where and how your spiderbots crawl different sites with ease.

Lets Examine the Evidence:

• There have been many sightings of large dinosaur-like monsters throughout history.

• Stories about modern dragons can be traced to as recent as modern-day Great Britain. Not to mention the various stories that have been told near Scottish Highlands, some even have evidence of their encounter:

• The Bible claims the Earth is only 6,000 years old or so (with the Book of Genesis). Yet we still find dinosaur bones lying buried in various fossil digging sites all around the world, such as the Badlands in Montana and the Flaming Cliffs in Mongolia, being two of the larger ones.

• On a side-note, there have also been many Japanese sightings of a very large, amphibious monster, devastating Tokyo and nearby communities. Here is the photograph to prove it:

(OK, maybe not so much that last point.) But still, mounds of evidence support the claim that Dinosaurs DO STILL EXIST and probably walk among us this very day.

Finally, a new currency classification for webmasters eager to get their web pages evaluated and marketed. This system is much simpler than Google’s Toolbar PR formula. It only contains four levels of Shock Ranking, here are the factors:

SR0 – This Page absolutely sucks! It probably wasn’t even created by a human. Or I just haven’t decided to calculate it yet. It could be either one.

SR1 – This page is OK. It may have some design flaws, or only a few paragraphs of great content.There are always ways you could improve your website.

SR2 – This is the a great page. It can’t get much better. I’m all for these types of styles, content, etc. These are some of the best pages available on the web today.

SR3 – The most certainly, positively highest rank any page can ever get. It has the same criteria as an SR2 page, but the biggest difference is that it contains a link pointing to lightningshock.com or one of it’s internal pages. Pages already pointing to this site are already qualified to be classified as an SR3 page, Congratulations!

That’s pretty much it. No silly weighted link calculations, no number of other links on the particular page, etc. ShockRank is an absolutely revolutionary idea.

Want to know what your page’s SR is? Comment below, and I’ll calculate your new SR for you (Only 3 URL’s max please, comments that do not follow these guidelines will not get evaluated.). And only one comment per year, I’m only one person here!

I’ll help you optimize your website for only the high quality directories that exist on the internet to day. I have a foolproof system that works just as you need it to:

1. First name your website with the letter “A”. We all know directories rank their site listings in alphabetical order, so this should be the easy part.
2. Make your website as broad as possible. Since directories often have many categories, having a general website will give you more options to spam their categories with, thus gaining more backlinks in the process.
   
3. One final tip I have for fellow webmasters is to Pay the directories you submit to. The more you pay, the better chance you have to be on the their “Featured Websites” list. And as everyone already knows, more and more backlinks = Tons of PR juice.

Always remember folks, Directories are a HUGE part of the web today, I mean it’s not like there’s some other great technology out there that allows us to organize and find information we are looking for.

If you have any questions, feel free to contact me at:

1-800-WEB-FOOL

or by email: DSOE@invisiblelocation.com

Regards,
James Lewitzke

DSO Expert

(NOTE: For those of you that haven’t noticed, this post is filed under “Satire”)